It is the same day today and since morning I am mechanically doing the daily chores but I can feel my mind wandering down the memory lanes some 18 years back. Yes, its been 18 years since my life changed which I had never anticipated. This was the day 18 years back when I lost him. Now after having spent as many years without him as with him, why do I still feel some strange pain in my heart, why does my heart long for something and I don't even know what it longs for. He was part of my life and I was part of his. Though life is on a smooth ride yet some unfilled void makes its presence felt whenever it finds me in seclusion. In such rare moments it always succeeds in overpowering me and making me feel incomplete and alone but I am aware of it approaching me today and I want to handle it my way this time. I know it better this time, I have some answers ready and I am well equipped to confront it now.
Over these years I have slowly tried to understand the 'why' and 'how' behind the events that happen in our lives and the most plausible explanation which made sense and brought peace to me is that - I am here to perform a specific role on the world stage with a particular cloak on, just as we watch shows in theater where actors come and perform their parts. My role spans over some acts and in some of those acts he was with me. But his role ended after some scenes and he departed from the stage to take on another character. However, I continue to be on the stage because my current role is not over yet. He may come disguised as somebody else in the acts that are being enacted right now but I am sure I will not be able to recognize him if he does so because the costume designer is a perfectionist and it may require extraordinary kind of sight to recognize the individual inside the external attire.
It is important for me to not wait for him in one of these acts or think of the scenes that we enacted together or miss him in the current scenes because doing so is totally futile. And letting my mind lose on this track will disturb my focus completely because I am expected to perform right now and in my distracted state of mind I may screw up some scenes or someone else's part. My objective is to enact the scenes to the best of my capability which can only be done if my whole being is involved in what I am doing.
This led me to another revelation that since we all are co-performers, to what extent should we get attached to our companions? Perhaps just to the minimal level as any set of stage performers do. There should always be camaraderie and goodwill among the ones working together in a particular activity but that is about it. Once that activity is executed the association also ends and if that is the case where does the expectations from others originate? So while we are together we can enjoy the togetherness but once that time is over, there should not be any baggage left of unfulfilled expectations or of remorse.
So after having analyzed and understood the functioning of this particular stage, should I just forget him? No, the best course is to just keep our together time in the storehouse of memories that I can carry with me wherever I go but I know it will be devoid of any sort of sadness from now on. I wish him luck for all the roles that he gets to play in future and hope to do justice to whatever comes to me.
Surprisingly this understanding has made me much more peaceful and focused because I can clearly see that after performing my specific role, I will be exiting the stage and wait backstage to either enter into another character or if the final act gets over, I will finally rest in my permanent abode - the house of our father - the God.